That’s what sagas do, isn’t it?
Int., OFFICE, morning. One assistant sits at a desk; another enters.
ASSISTANT at desk: Guess who just called.
SECOND ASSISTANT: …
FIRST ASSISTANT: I’ll give you a hint: rage.
SECOND ASSISTANT: Time Warner!
Got it in one! Yes – Thursday morning I received a call from a nice-sounding woman at TW, who asked about damage to my kitchen floor. After being stunned speechless for a moment, I told her that, first of all, I was not sure how “shattered dental retainer” was ever translated to “damage to kitchen floor” to begin with, but the kitchen was fine, it was my retainer that was broken. Second of all, I called to report this in SEPTEMBER. It is now – let us consult our calendars and the pervasive Christmas music we seem to be hearing all around us – DECEMBER. (“September to February? Is swift?” –Ordinary People, Judith Guest)
She said, and I believed her, that the claim had only landed on her desk yesterday. She then asked if I was home for someone to come assess the damage, and I explained that no, I was at work. Eventually we settled on a time (next Tuesday at 6pm, would anyone like to place a bet on whether or not someone ACTUALLY SHOWS UP?), and then she asked if I had had it repaired yet. No, I said, it couldn’t be repaired, it had been stepped on and SHATTERED, it would have to be replaced. No, I hadn’t replaced it yet, because the dentist had estimated that it would be about $400, which I had no intention of paying out-of-pocket when chances of hearing from TW’s crack team at the damages department (let alone actually being reimbursed) seemed to be nil. She said there would be paperwork. You don’t say!
Meanwhile, back at the ranch – by which I mean, the office –
FIRST ASSISTANT: Hey, does your internet connection keep going in and out?
SECOND ASSISTANT: Seems to be working…
FIRST ASSISTANT: Look at the lower right hand corner of Outlook.
SECOND ASSISTANT: “Trying to connect…”
FIRST ASSISTANT: Right.
As it happens, the office at which I work has just switched over to TW internet as well.
What I’m reading: The Mistress’s Daughter, A.M. Homes; It’s Beginning to Hurt: Stories, James Lasdun
What I’m listening to: Surfer Rosa, The Pixies